Textbook parenting? I'm throwing out the rule book

My approach to mothering has thus far been somewhat laissez faire – which, for someone who (as my closest friend politely phrases it) habitually likes things to be ‘just so’, has been as much a character change as it has a revelation. Because, try as you may, babies cannot be shoehorned into a one-size-fits-all regime – regardless of what some ‘experts’ try to impress upon us.

While expecting Teddy I diligently studied a stack of pregnancy books, but ‘how to’ parenting guides didn’t factor into my reading list. ‘Baby hasn’t read the books!’ my midwife stressed in the third trimester, when I was becoming slightly anxious that I knew little more than how to swaddle beyond giving birth. ‘Use your cavewoman instinct,’ she said.

And it’s this insight teamed with Mr R’s keep-it-real-love northern temperament that has moulded the way we now parent Teddy.

Six things I’ve learnt in six weeks of weaning

It’s been emotional. There were even tears initially, my heaving boobs and I feeling rejected as I whizzed up another batch of mush. ‘But we had a good thing going…!’ I wanted to cry.

The dog’s put on weight hoovering up mealtime debris, Teddy had his first tantrum at my failing to spoon yogurt into his mouth quickly enough, and I’ve watched on all bleary-eyed as my baby boy’s independence continues to flourish at an astonishing rate.

In the space of a fortnight he cut his first tooth, moved into his own room, accepted a bottle (admittedly, at long last!) and took to solid food like a hungry adolescent. In my still hormonally-charged mind, he was one baby babble away from fleeing the nest.

One lunchtime I was so overcome with sentiment I stifled a sob at the sight of an elderly gentleman walking by with a stick, only to then wail at Mr R, ‘One day Teddy will be an old man and I won’t be around to look after him!’

‘It’s just a bit of sweet potato mash, love,’ was his measured response.

My undue, and thankfully brief, bout of separation anxiety was put to bed once I found the fun in weaning. Hours spent trawling the internet for recipe inspiration, discovering a new supermarket aisle to throw money at and how some baby snacks are pretty darn delicious for adults too (Organix Sweetcorn Rings make a mean side to a G&T), and the realisation that it isn’t quite time to hang out to dry the milky mammaries but giving them a bit of time off during the day is actually pretty liberating.

There’s something almost romantic about sitting down to eat lunch en famille – cooking for three instead of two, filling the storecupboard with new staples and deciding what foods to introduce next.

Like every chapter of motherhood thus far, weaning has been a learning curve. And while I had a shaky start, Teddy seems to be taking it all in his stride, one sloppy spoonful at a time. Here’s what I’ve learnt so far…

1. THERE WILL BE MESS
A lot of mess. Our dining room floor has developed a sticky film that smacks of the nightclubs of my youth, the laundry basket groans under the weight of necessary outfit changes (bibs can only catch so much) and Ted seems to be on a mission to spread food ever further into his neck folds – it took two lengthy soaks in the bath to get rid of one Weetabix breakfast coating. But there’s little point fretting over what can be washed…

2. GAGGING IS NOT CHOKING
Like a lot of mums I’ve exchanged weaning notes with, choking featured highly on my Things To Worry About list. But knowing the difference between gagging and true choking is just as important as knowing what to do if the latter does occur (I recommend downloading the St John Ambulance First Aid app for a step-by-step guide on that). This video by BabyCentre UK was a real help in demonstrating the difference. It shows that a baby’s gag reflex is particularly sensitive as they learn how to handle new textures, how to chew and where on the palate food needs to be in order to swallow and not choke on it. Of course, I wanted to reach into my computer screen and fling the poor gagging baby over my knee when I first watched it, but it has since helped to keep me calm when Teddy struggles with a mouthful.

3. EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT
This goes without saying, but people can get a bit hot-headed about how best to wean a baby. Just because little Susie down the road is feeding herself a steak dinner two weeks into the process doesn’t mean your child should be doing the same. There’s a modern school of thought that baby-led weaning is the best way (and to some, the only way) to go about introducing solids – offering chunks of food to be nibbled and gnawed. We gave it a go, but as most of what was put in front of Teddy was brandished vigorously like a wand in what I can only assume was an attempt to magic it away, then wound up in the dog’s mouth – and after one albeit minor choking incident – we’ve decided to park it for now but for the occasional rice cake or carrot puff. In our house, it seems everyone but the hound is happier when Mr R or I take charge of the spoon.

4. THOSE NAPPIES ARE SET TO CHANGE
All I’ll say here is, it’s worth sizing up.

5. A FREEZER WOULD BE USEFUL
We don’t have one. When Mr R and I moved into our current abode our tiny kitchen only had space for an under-counter fridge, and when faced with a toss-up between one with a freezer box or a wine rack, the latter won. What can I say – that’s the difference between buying white goods in your twenties rather than your thirties… For now we get by, setting aside a Teddy-sized portion of our dinner (if suitable and salt free – spag bol and moussaka are firm favourites) for his lunch the next day, and batch-roasting and steaming veg that will keep for a few days and can be whizzed up with added extras to keep things varied (such as cream cheese, herbs and tomatoes). But in the name of planning ahead and staying sane when I return to work in a few months, a freezer is top of my wish list.

6. THERE’S NO SHAME IN BUYING READY MADE
The literature tells us we should strive to serve mainly homemade meals to our babies, but anyone in the know (and sans freezer…) will see the hilarity in that. Some days you’ve just got to throw a pouch at the situation. The way I see it is, as long as you’re not feeding them a doner kebab you’re doing a grand job. Just give them some form of appropriate food. Frankly, I’d happily eat some of the ready-made meals we’ve fed Teddy myself. We’re big fans of the Ella’s Kitchen range of meal pouches – all organic, no added salt or sugar and available in a generous range of flavours and textures. They’re especially handy when feeding on the go (just squirt onto a spoon) and I’ll be filling a suitcase with them when we head off on holiday next month.

Shop small – my favourite boutique baby brands for SS18

VEST: GARDNER AND THE GANG; TEDDY PRINT: PHOTO TYPEWRITER

I’m not much of a shopper these days – I haven’t the patience for navigating the too-narrow-for-a-pram aisles of women’s clothes stores, nor the notion of undressing and redressing numerous times under the harsh lighting of cramped changing rooms. My wardrobe is a mishmash of feeding-friendly jumpers and dungarees, and occasionally swapping my well-worn pumps for a pair of sparkly boots is about as ‘FASHION’ as I get.

But when it comes to buying new glad rags for Teddy, I just can’t help myself.

The minute a popper snaps open under the strain of his ever-growing torso, I come over all giddy at the prospect of stocking up on new outfits for him.

10 genuinely useful tips for first-time parents

Advice can be a bit Marmite, can’t it? And never more so than when a new baby arrives on the scene. Every woman and her stretch marks has something to offer, welcomed or otherwise.

But while one well-meant suggestion might leave you feeling like you’re doing it all wrong (don’t let it!) another can – quite literally – save the day.

And it’s that sort of 24-carat gold I want to load up my pockets with. I have little interest in what finger-wagging Mrs X did circa 1925 or what the 12-year-old next-door will do when she becomes a mum one day.

But people who are parenting now, who are in this whirlwind with me and who have either unearthed or coined ideas and tricks that are working for them… THAT I want in on.



And my goodness are there some corkers! Some things that when they’ve paid off with our little rascal have left Mr R and me feeling like giddy school kids who’ve passed a maths test thanks to a little-known cheat.

Some seemed so obvious or so slight a change to what we were already doing, how could they make a difference? They did.

Some make us look like utter loons when we wheel them out in public. Some have a 50:50 success rate. Who cares! I want them in my mummy arsenal.

A hack shared is a parent’s sanity saved. So as a measure of goodwill – and a bargaining tool should you lovely lot have any wisdom to proffer in return – here are my couldn’t-do-without tricks making our family life easier.

THE CAR SEAT SWING
Transition is a baby’s bete noire – moving from a snuggly cradle in your arms to a cold, upright, restrictive car seat is the worst of all. In Teddy’s case, this usually results in an uncharacteristic outburst of breathless screaming and writhing to break free. Until we pick up the car seat by the handle and swing it back and forth. Ensure baby is fastened in securely and your grip is tight, and calm will hopefully be restored within minutes.

IN A HEARTBEAT
Gently tapping Teddy’s bottom as if sounding a heartbeat has soothed him since the beginning. Even now when he’s overtired and fussing over a feed, it calms and comforts him, almost as if it’s a reminder of the sensation of my heart beating against him in the womb. Throw in a soft ‘choo-choo-choo’ sound and he’s in baby bliss.

STOP THE SNACK AND SNOOZE ROUTINE
I recently tuned into an episode of The Parent Hood, where Sarah Norris (aka The Baby Detective) was discussing how to get your baby to sleep through the night. I nodded along to her advice, ticking off the things I was already doing with Teddy (a not perfect but not terrible sleeper). ‘Don’t let baby fall asleep at the breast…’
Guilty. That was how I’d been putting Teddy to bed for months – laying him down when he was milk drunk and knocking at the door of Slumber Land. But by letting him drift off mid-feed, he wasn’t filling himself up enough to sleep longer than four hours. ‘Treat feeding as a business meeting,’ Sarah continued. So no sleeping on the job.
Now I set aside an hour to feed, wind, feed, wind, read a story, change position, feed – whatever it takes to keep Teddy awake and ensure he’s good and full. He sleeps for 8 hours straight. Cheers Sarah, my boobs and eye bags are so grateful!

WEAR YOUR BABY
Hair to dry, housework to do… blogs to write – but baby will not be put down? Wear them. Literally. Put on your baby carrier or sling, pop them in and regain use of both your hands. If you’re lucky, they’ll fall asleep as you go about your to-do list. Hands-free mummying is something I cottoned on to quite early on and it was especially useful in the initial weeks, when Teddy and I were getting to know each other and I was finding my feet as a mummy. You can read about my recommended slings and baby carriers here, which I still use daily almost six months on.

WHAT GOES UP, GOES DOWN
The flaps at the top of baby vests aren’t just there to make it easier to put them on. They’re damage limitation for when a poonami hits – a force of excrement so severe no nappy stands a chance of containing it. Pull the vest down over the shoulders to save smearing it over your little darling’s face. It’s slightly less gag-inducing than the alternative.

KITCHEN ROLL IT
On the subject of nappy changing, keep a roll of ultra-absorbent kitchen paper to hand. Heck, walk around with it permanently under your arm! Never mind blotting dry washed salad leaves, it comes into its own when tackling snotty noses, dribbly chins and whatever lies in wait in Teddy’s nappy. Roll out a couple of pieces on the changing mat ready to soak up anything that escapes – and if, like us, you have a baby boy, tear off an extra piece in case he decides to give you a fountain display before the clean nappy is in place.

SORT IT OUT
Better to be looking at it than looking for it – sounds so trivial and perhaps a little condescending, but when you’re blindsided by an emergency outfit change at 3am, being able to open a drawer and know exactly where everything is can be the difference between a quick fix and a bumbled attempt resulting in a screaming fit that wakes up the whole street. Vests in one pile, sleepsuits in another, nappies and wipes in reach etc etc. Mr R goes one step further and ends one nappy change by setting up the station ready for the next – disposable bag opened, kitchen roll in place, nappy unfolded… Efficiency is the name of the game.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SOCKS
I’ll be damned if I can get them to stay on Teddy’s twinkle toes all day long, but socks do make cracking scratch mitts (which, incidentally, I’ve found to be an utter waste of money – like giant, flimsy oven gloves that fly off with even the slightest movement). Even in those sleepsuits with the little hand flaps built in, a thumb somehow manages to escape in the night leaving his chubby little face looking like an Etch-a-Sketch come morning. Socks are like straightjackets for baby hands.

BABY BICYCLE KICKS
Tummy ache giving baby gyp? Lay them on their back and slowly but firmly move their legs as if they’re in a LBT class, aiming to get their knees as close to their nose as you can. And out comes the wind. This little move is what gave Trumpy Ted his first nickname (poor kid).

STOP THE CLOCK
So you need to leave the house by 11am ON THE DOT? Set your timer for half an hour earlier. Getting a baby out of the door can take an age – there’s always an unplanned change/feed/nappy bag restock/‘Oh marvellous, it’s throwing it down and I’ve no idea where the rain cover is and now the dog needs another pee’ to factor in, regardless of how organised you think you are. Tell yourself you actually need to leave at 10.30am at the latest and you’ll be out by your true deadline.

Natural ways to induce labour

I should probably begin by admitting the title to this post is somewhat misleading. I don’t believe there is an infallible means of bringing on labour other than actual medical induction – baby will come when they’re good and ready, thank you very much.

That said, as someone who was convinced her baby would come early but in fact ended up feeling fat and frustrated for EIGHT LONG DAYS past her due date and was one Braxton Hicks away from taking a knife to her birthing ball, I’m oh so familiar with the need to feel like you’re doing something that may in some way – however microscopic – move things along a little. Or at the very least, that will help get your body ready for the impending birth… whenever that might be.

Postnatal fitness – 5 quick workouts for new mums

Forget ‘bounce back’, think gradual deflate. Make way for a marshmallow belly where once a perfectly taut bump resided. And expect things to wobble in an unfamiliar way. For a little while, at least.

This is the reality of a postpartum body. Prod it, celebrate it, be grateful you can see your toes again! But don’t feel you must commit to it as a form of life sentence. A little movement can go a long way in helping you shift back into a more familiar shape.

Swapping 'the pump' for a bump – prenatal fitness tips

My life before motherhood was an active one. Morning yoga, gym five days a week, a run or bike ride at the weekend… I was – am – one of those irritating people who actually enjoys working out.

But when I discovered I was pregnant, I rashly called time on my fitness habit, fearful that my baby might somehow drop out if I moved too vigourously.

An unnecessary – and brief – hiatus, it turned out.

It's just you and me, kid – when paternity leave ends

Those first couple of weeks as first time parents are perhaps the most special of all. Demanding, yes, as you and your partner navigate myriad learning curves, often on the back of little (read: no) sleep. But aside from studying a language or taking up a new sport together, there are few other occasions when you embark on something as a couple from the same standing start. Whatever baby throws at you, you’re in it together – the good, the bad and the downright disgusting.

Mr R and I were equally clueless when Teddy arrived.

Breastfeeding in public – what I've learnt

Let’s face it – no one really wants to get their boob out in public. Especially in those early postnatal days, when learning how to breastfeed can be challenging enough. But short of rendering ourselves housebound until weaning, getting to grips with nursing in front of others is just another module to master in the New Mums Curriculum.

I’m lucky, Teddy has been a great feeder since day one – a real guzzler (a relief, as I know it can be a stressful time for some). And aside from a little soreness, I was pretty comfortable with it too, learning his hunger signals. A stir, a cry… there I was armed to feed.

But venture away from the comfort of home and suddenly unleashing myself on cue became a more daunting prospect.

Getting pregnant with PCOS

This time last year I was hopeful. Hopeful that we would soon have a baby. Hopeful that the 18 months of fertility acupuncture and seven months of actively trying to fall pregnant would pay off – and the prospect of more invasive treatment wouldn’t need to materialise.

I was lucky. I did conceive without intervention – just two weeks into 2017, in fact. And it was the most wonderful revelation. Who knew peeing on a stick could be so thrilling!

Getting to that positive pregnancy test had been emotional at times, as I imagine it is for many couples, complications or otherwise. We hadn’t told anyone of our efforts, so trying and failing to get pregnant as the months rolled by was a silent struggle. I think I’d even managed to convince people – my parents included – that I didn’t want children, favouring the stoic over the sob story. Cue excitable (shocked?) wails upon sharing our happy news.

Creating festive family traditions

Our Christmas tree fell over this week. Twice. Add to this a handmade wreath felled just hours after hanging thanks to an unprecedented dumping of snow, my festive cheer was teetering.

Deep breath, move on.

My rational self tells me it is, after all, just a tree (never mind that it was the White Company baubles and not the Ikea copycats that shattered). No one was hurt, it was easily fixed etc etc.

But the sentimental (or perhaps hormonal) part of me wants everything to be perfect – this year more than any. Not only is this our first Christmas as parents, but it’s also the first time we’ve decided to stay home and do it our way. Both mine and Mr R’s families live up north, and much as we love celebrating the big day with them it feels like the right time to break that tradition and start a new.

There’s no funny in perfection, though, is there? Perhaps a wobbly tree and a diminishing number of decorations will be ‘our thing’? And what’s Christmas without just a little chaos.

But I do have some ideas to at least try and weave into our festivities this year and in those to follow. Traditions I hope, one day, Teddy will associate with our family Christmases and look forward to.

Some are old, some are brand new and others a tad ambitious. Perhaps they’ll inspire your own family rituals, too…