Those first couple of weeks as first time parents are perhaps the most special of all. Demanding, yes, as you and your partner navigate myriad learning curves, often on the back of little (read: no) sleep. But aside from studying a language or taking up a new sport together, there are few other occasions when you embark on something as a couple from the same standing start. Whatever baby throws at you, you’re in it together – the good, the bad and the downright disgusting.
Mr R and I were equally clueless when Teddy arrived.
Night one. Hours awake: 45. Failed attempts to get child to sleep: innumerable.
It was like baby ping pong. Mr R would bounce him (‘Let me try something… It isn’t working!’), then pass him to me for a feed. Back and forth we went until finally the little man dropped off – and we both sat up watching him to check he was OK.
Fools.
Happily, things improved as we quickly learnt what did and didn’t work for the three of us – tricks that meant we weren’t both staring into our breakfast bowls at 2pm with the dog still whining for a walk (that happened). And as Mr R’s paternity leave drew to an end, we’d settled into a routine that worked. Divide and conquer was our motto.
But when the realisation hit that soon my ping pong partner would be absent for much of the day, I panicked. Who would walk Harper while I fed Teddy? Who’d be there to pass the wipes while I changed his exploded nappy? To help pacify him when I’d run out of steam?
Just me.
Thankfully, my mini meltdown came a few days before Mr R had to go back to work, and words of encouragement from him and new mum friends going through the same meant that by that first Monday morning alarm clock I’d got myself together and was ready to embrace the challenge.
Now four months in, I’m pretty confident in single-handed mummying Monday to Friday. Teddy reckons I’m not half bad at it either. But there have definitely been some seismic ups and downs to get to this point – and you can count on there being more to come.
As for the ups, here are a few tips that may help you find your way through the wilderness of those first few days without Daddy…
GET UP, GET DRESSED, GET OUT
Leaving the house before midday can seem like an impossible feat, but it will do you the world of good. I’m a firm believer in the remedial powers of fresh air, whatever the weather. Having Harper means I have to be out the door by 10am – she’s been as much a help as she has a hinderance in that sense, the nag that gets me up and out even when an extra half hour in bed seems like the better option. And I always feel better for it. So what if you haven’t showered and the house looks like a hurricane has passed through it? Check out for at least half an hour and you’ll return with a clearer head – and if you’re lucky a sleeping baby, giving you a quiet window to sort things out.
WRITE A LIST… THEN SLASH IT
In week one of going it alone, I listed around 10 things to get done before Friday. I’d ticked off two of them by the weekend. Note: it will take much longer than you expect to get anything done. My advice? Start small. Set yourself one goal for the week – paying a cheque into the bank, perhaps – with a bonus task worthy of a Super Mum High Five if you manage it. There will be days that leave you feeling like you’ve achieved little more than showering (see above), but take pride in the small things and know that soon it will all seem like a walk in the park – albeit a slightly bumpy one.
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS
I was almost crippled by the nesting phase of pregnancy. I deep-cleaned the house every day of my maternity leave before Teddy arrived (all 35 of them), patrolling each room like a mad woman with a duster and brush in hand. I’ve always been a bit ‘Monica’ [spot the 90s sitcom reference] when it comes to housework, but these past four months have been as much about learning to be a mum as retuning my perspective when it comes to the importance of having a tidy house. No one will judge you for hoarding a little baby clutter.
JUST BREATH
When it all feels like too much – and at points it will – take some deep breaths. Throw in some fresh air for good measure, even if that means just sticking your head out of the window to take in a few lungfuls (who cares what the neighbours think). Sounds obvious, but when you’ve a screaming baby and whinging puppy hammering your eardrums, basic self care can become a little fudged.
DO SOMETHING FOR YOU
They say when baby sleeps, you should sleep. Sensible, but from my experience, unrealistic. Instead, when Teddy sleeps I take the opportunity to do something for me – be it having a nap, rolling out my yoga mat, writing here or scratching my housework itch. It’s easy to feel like a hamster in a wheel at first, waiting for baby to wake so the whole feed/change cycle can start again, but taking even 10 minutes to be a bit selfish will help keep you feeling like you.
If this just isn’t manageable when you’re on your own, pass over the reins to your partner when he gets home and take some time out. Mr R was strict about giving me an hour to myself on Saturday mornings from the get go. I was reluctant at first, not seeing the need for any time alone, but it turns out it was just the ticket to recharge my batteries. Now he takes Teddy and Harper out while I pop for a run. Ah the luxury of returning to a quiet house and being able to shower without an audience… And that time is just as valuable for Mr R’s bonding with the kids.
Sure, my hands are full these days – but my heart is fuller.
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