My approach to mothering has thus far been somewhat laissez faire – which, for someone who (as my closest friend politely phrases it) habitually likes things to be ‘just so’, has been as much a character change as it has a revelation. Because, try as you may, babies cannot be shoehorned into a one-size-fits-all regime – regardless of what some ‘experts’ try to impress upon us.
While expecting Teddy I diligently studied a stack of pregnancy books, but ‘how to’ parenting guides didn’t factor into my reading list. ‘Baby hasn’t read the books!’ my midwife stressed in the third trimester, when I was becoming slightly anxious that I knew little more than how to swaddle beyond giving birth. ‘Use your cavewoman instinct,’ she said.
And it’s this insight teamed with Mr R’s keep-it-real-love northern temperament that has moulded the way we now parent Teddy.
We’ve learnt on the job – feeling our way through, trying things on for size and sticking with them if successful or flinging them into the never-to-be-repeated landfill. Almost eight months in, things are ticking along pretty well, all things considered. Teddy still has all four limbs and we’ve managed to retain a large percentage of our sanity.
But this week I crumbled – I opened a baby manual.
I’ve mentioned before that while Teddy isn’t an amazing sleeper, nor is he a staunch night owl. Most nights he sleeps from 7.30pm until 5.30am with just the one wake-up feed. And while he isn’t yet sleeping through (or giving us a lie in), we know it’s no bad gig.
But this past fortnight has been a roller coaster of nocturnal activity. Additional feeds, on-the-hour cuddles, comfort-me whining that only stops when he and Ewan The Dream Sheep both end up snuggled in our bed.
We’d tasted the good stuff and dared to hope that one day soon we might have an unbroken night. But it was snatched brutally from our grasp. And so, against my better judgement, my eye bags fell upon a parenting manual, and I delved in looking for answers.
Every suggestion felt like a judgement. Declarations that a baby of Teddy’s age SHOULD be sleeping through the night; talk of poor habits instilled from day dot, accidental parenting, the need for strict routine and refusing on-demand feeds… things baby should be doing by this age and skills he should have developed by that….
By the second page I’d got the message – in this author’s eyes, we’d been doing it all wrong because it wasn’t the approach she spelled out. Teddy’s disrupted sleep pattern was OUR fault.
What of leaky nappies, growth spurts, teething…?
Still none the wiser on the sleep front other than feeling a little inadequate and like we ought to rewind and start again, I put the book back on the shelf and poured another double-shot coffee.
Perhaps I picked up the wrong book. Perhaps there is a baby encyclopaedia out there serving up more help and less blame. But for me, textbook parenting seems a bit square peg, round hole.
Of course the idea of a hardback filled with every possible solution is appealing, but it cannot possibly exist. Teddy didn’t arrive with a set of personalised instructions, and if he did they would be different to the baby’s in the next birthing room and the one along from that.
Every baby is different.
Friends with two children have often told me what worked for one made little impression on the other. So why are we being led to believe method X, Y and Z are the only ways to parent?
I take issue with one person’s perceived wisdom being preached as gospel, not least because research found correlation between new mums who read baby books and reported depressive symptoms. A handy reference point, perhaps (I don’t doubt there are nuggets of sound advice to be gleaned). But a generalised ideal is, on the whole, unattainable and – more so – unhelpful.
Mr R and I decided to carry on the way we always have, getting up with each cry to settle Teddy. And by Thursday, we’d slid back into the sleep pattern we’re used to. No need for harsh withdrawal tactics. No need for a step-by-step guide. No need for a complete parenting overhaul.
And still no obvious cause for the disruption…
But lets be logical. That tiny body has a lot on its to-do list, developmentally. Of course it isn’t all going to be plain sailing. Of course there are going to be sleepless nights. Of course there are going to be times when you search fruitlessly for the holy grail. Of course the mayhem won’t last forever.
No book has the answers. All we can do is call upon those cavewoman instincts, slap on some concealer and raise a strong coffee in toast to the knowledge we are all doing our best, and that, as far as baby is concerned, is good enough.
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